The Good Towel: And Other Tips to Woman Proof Your Home

I like to think of myself as a Jane Goodall studying the natural habitat of the Homo sapien bachelorus. Whether on a date or working in real estate, upon entering the lair of the Single Adult Male, I immediately see “Warning!” “Danger!” signs. Left to his own devices, he creates an environment inhospitable for women. Gone are the days when men jump straight out of their mother’s home and into their wife’s. With the average age of marriage creeping steadily upwards (currently 30, if you’re wondering, but don’t despair, the Clooney’s of the world make it look good much later), there is often a period of bachelorhood without much guidance from the females of the species. Ladies, please pass this “For the Fellas” article along to the men you know need it. You know, the ones that are upset that you only want to hang at your place.

Dudes, I’m not telling you to hang a Live, Laugh, Love sign and channel Martha Stewart (though she’s cool enough for Snoop). I’m just here to provide a few quick, easy, cheap (if not free!) suggestions. The single adult years send men to live in a neighborhood that includes Budget Dorm, Furnished Rental and Casa de Testosterone. This male realm, whichever home you are in, makes approaching women uncomfortable, much like a dark parking lot at night. If you’d like a lady in your home to be more relaxed and less ready to make a run for it, I’ve got a few simple tips for improvement. You can tackle the tips to get past the first date right now, and if you’re really willing to take it to the next level, invest a little in your future.

The Bathroom

Get Past The First Date

We understand that we spend far more time in the smallest room of the house than you do, so it’s easy for you to overlook some of the finer points, but it’s also the area with the most room for improvement. 

• Cleanliness is always appreciated: Every corner doesn’t have to sparkle, but beard trimmings in the sink are a turn off, as is a streaky toilet. Do your best.
• Seat Down: This goes without saying.  A man once pointed out to me that he doesn’t complain that I don’t put the seat up for him. A fair point, but one I’d strongly recommend conceding. If you might forget (okay, we get it), keep the underside of the seat wiped down. Looking at your dried urine doesn’t get most of us in the mood.
• Hand Soap: Have some. This at least gives the illusion that you use it.

Invest in Your Future

The Good Towel: Okay, guys, we know you don’t shop regularly at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but please invest in at least one good, fluffy, absorbent towel – something labeled as a Bath Towel is good, a Bath Sheet is even better.

Fold this towel nicely and keep it in your linen closet (we’re getting ahead of ourselves- that’s the little door in your bathroom where you store your junk. If you don’t have one, under your sink is fine, but give it a little space of its own, don’t cram it on top of your still hairy clippers and toilet brush, if you own one. Which you should, by the way.)

If there is even a remote possibility that a woman may find herself in need of a shower while in your residence, place this neatly folded (yes, I’m reiterating this point) towel out for her. On the towel bar, counter, or closed toilet lid as a last resort. Under no circumstances should you ever use this towel. Consider it off limits, the cost of doing business. Don’t use it to mop up the dirt you tracked in, spot dry your dog or your grimy hands or in your last minute wipe down of the counters.

It is imperative that you wash this towel after every use. Once the relationship settles, you can shift to an more relaxed schedule, maybe even weekly, but for now, have this one lovely towel clean, dry, and ready to encase the potential naked body in your bathroom. Don’t you want a naked body in your bathroom?

Maintain the Relationship

Replace the toilet paper. This does not mean setting a new roll on top of the empty one. Take the 12 seconds (I timed it moving in slow motion) to remove the old one and throw it in the trash can. Put the new one on the roller, and voila! I’m not asking you to fold a pretty little flap into the front of the roll, but for goodness sake, have one there. And put a spare roll under the sink while you’re at it.

Speaking of trash cans, you need a liner in it. You can purchase small trash bags, but even a grocery bag or a dog poop bag will do. Don’t ask questions, you don’t want to know why. Let’s just say that sometimes we have a need to place items in the restroom trash receptacle and don’t like the idea of you pulling them out by hand or looking at them in that empty, cavernous plastic bin for the next four months.

The Kitchen

Get Past the First Date

You’re off the hook here! In the kitchen, be yourself. If you’re a chef, impress her. If you only have a can of soup and some frozen dinners in your kitchen, she needs to know what she’s getting into. Some girls may see this as a challenge or their opportunity to shine! 

Bare minimum: Have coffee (plus sweetener and creamer of some sort – you can even pocket a handful from your local coffee spot). A few clean glasses, hopefully something that can be grabbed as a snack. You can either prove yourself the consummate host or desperately in need of a partner, and there is really not a right or wrong answer here. Be yourself and hope you find someone that fits.

Invest In Your Future

If you’re thinking you might ever cook together (a highly recommended activity), I have a list of kitchen essentials I use for furnishing rental homes, and you might want to start here if your cupboards are really bare. 

Netflix and Chill Necessities

Get Past the First Date

You might be happy with your recliner, but if you want to cozy up to someone on a seat built for two, have a squishy pillow (nope, not a bed pillow on your couch, that’s just sad) and a soft blanket (this one is won’t rob you of your masculinity and is under $10). When they get all stained or pilled up, replace them. We like texture, and an excuse to settle in and relax. 

I’m not suggesting you hire an interior designer (though I’m available!) but just try to have a semi-welcoming and comfortable space for the next girl of your dreams you bring home. We’re usually fine with a blank slate, so to speak, but there has to be just enough that we could start daydreaming about one day sharing a life with you. Personal decor is a bonus, it gives us insight into who you are. Family photos, travel mementos, an interest or hobby showcased – really anything that means something to you and did not come from IKEA.

Invest In Your Future

If the bedroom is on your destination wish list, two pillows per head you hope to have in your bed, complete with pillowcases and a decent set of sheets. Stains? We don’t want to know, and we certainly don’t want our bare skin touching them.

We don’t like the bright white LED lights. Period. End of story. I know you think chrome (that’s the shiny silver stuff) light fixtures and the brightest, whitest light is cool, but it’s not to us. Look for something called Soft White, Warm White or Daylight in a bulb. You may not even notice the difference, but to us it is soothing, flattering, cozy, and peaceful. Just go with it. Dim them if you’d like, but have some on. Hermits and pedophiles live in the dark or the glow of electronics. A bedside lamp creates an atmosphere that makes us feel sexy, not the harsh reality of the overhead light or the anonymous atmosphere of the pitch black. There’s a reason fast food restaurants use harsh white lighting, it’s to get you in and out quickly. Is that what you’re going for? 

Maintain Your Relationship

Ready to take the plunge and let HER leave things at your place? Oh boy, that’s a whole topic in itself… 

We have a lot more crap than you do. 

I’ll cover that next step and more in coming articles in our For the Fellas series, subscribe below for updates!