The Art of Alibis

Al·i·bi  /ˈaləˌbī/  noun an excuse usually intended to avert blame or punishment

Such a lovely word for a good excuse. We’re not talking the Law & Order variety that gets you off the murder charge; you’re on your own there. But many tried and true get-out-of-jail-free cards exist that can help you sidestep dinner with the in-laws, a co-worker’s gender reveal party or the neighbor’s May Kay brunch. Some you can even start using today! I’m not advocating lying, but providing just the right excuse that may be marginally true is a beautiful way to avoid unsavory social interactions. In general, I commend honest, straightforward communication. But, if “no, thank you” or “I’d rather binge watch The Bachelorette in my pajamas” is too difficult at times for you to say, here are three easy alibis that can be applied in your everyday life and minimize blame or punishment for just wanting to say no.

“Female Problems”

This one gets our top ranking, because women of any age – beginning around the same time we actually want to avoid situations – can employ this tactic. There are very few requirements to employ this excuse, and it is least likely to offend.

Girls have forever exploited the mysteries of menstruation to avoid gym class, leave a room for an unusually long period of time, straight up absence, or even to compensate for being emotional or bitchy. Most people will never ask for solid proof (if they do, take that as confirmation they should be avoided) and do not need to know if Mt. Vesuvius has erupted in your undergarments or if you just have a little twinge of a cramp. It can continue well into your older years, because if you think menopause is a big enigma for women, it is exponentially more so for men. They’ve all heard of “hot flashes” but probably most have an extremely wide margin of error for estimating what age this can be reasonably used to abruptly escape an uncomfortable cocktail conversation.

While the “female issue” alibi isn’t great when used upon other females, as they may want specifics or to compare their own woes, it can be accomplished by using a male intermediary. My sister-in-law successfully escaped years of hounding from my mom about when she would have children by simply having my brother report a vague “problem,” while simultaneously living on a different continent and underplaying her command of the English language. To pull this off with another woman may be a bit more complicated, but it is not impossible. 

In the workplace, while an employer does have the right to know about a medical condition that may affect your performance or safety, your boss is quite likely to get squeamish about broaching this subject. When in doubt, drop the phrase “HIPPA” or “private medical information” into the conversation. Even though HIPPA does not apply to employers, it sounds scary and like an HR violation waiting to happen. They’ll likely drop the subject, or by the time they wade through their Employer Rights and Responsibilities paperwork, the situation will have passed.

Children

By far the most versatile excuse on the list are children of all shapes, sizes, and quantities. The top rated feature of becoming a parent is the ability avoid absolutely anything, anytime, by using those grubby, adorable faces as your alibi.

Unconditional love, molding small humans, creating life, and that new baby smell are all great, but if you really just don’t like to stay out late or go to crowded or loud places, a kid can be your ticket out. Of course, they legitimately throw a wrench in all of the social plans you actually do want to engage in, but life’s a trade off.

The variety of excuses progresses over the years, and you can start utilizing them the moment that egg gets fertilized – even before if you’re bold enough use “I’m ovulating” as an excuse. Pregnancy (see “female problems”) is a crossover category, just don’t use vague “pregnancy” excuses on other new or expecting moms; that conversation will get exponentially longer. From mild morning sickness to extreme bed rest, you can successfully spin your pregnancy in your favor to cancel at the last minute, politely turn down weird food, or skip out early on a party. Cite What to Expect When You’re Expecting and you’ll have anyone but the mom of four who is rolling her eyes nodding along seriously. 

The newborn years are a gold mine for those wishing to avoid almost anything, as long as you can stomach the label of being an overprotective parent or the judgment for your life choices from your childless friends. If you’re willing to give up being the “cool mom” who hangs out at the brewery with your baby Bjorn and takes the same baby on camping trips with nothing but a shoulder bag, you can cite any reason from nap schedules to illness (even the tiniest sneeze can be capitalized upon).  The more harried and worried you are in general, the more easily you can sell the most seemingly innocuous reason for bowing out. In fact, most people will probably be quite happy with your absence. The beauty of a newborn baby is, you can even blame other people’s potential germs, illness, or hazardous home full of uncovered electrical sockets for your absence. (Pro tip: couple a newborn with COVID, and you never have to leave the house again if you don’t want).

As your children age, the excuses morph into homework, bedtimes, and soccer practice. There may even come a point when you throw your own child under the bus as the excuse: “Susie is grounded, so we’d love to be there for Uncle Jack’s retirement party but we really have to stick to our guns here.” Don’t worry, Susie will thank you too, though if your variety of parenting includes modeling honesty, you’ll probably actually have to find something to ground her for. 

COVID

I’m not sure how long this one will last, but so far it’s been a good run. The illness that swept the globe has been embraced by introverts, avoiders, and anti-social people worldwide.

With vague symptoms that encompass every human experience ever experienced, and the fear factor that has been instilled among the population, you can at any time truthfully state that you “may have been exposed” to the virus and clear your calendar for weeks! You even get bonus points for being socially responsible to boot. Just be prepared to answer personal questions about your vaccination status and navigate the oddly political minefield when employing the ‘Rona as an excuse.