All I Need to Know About Politics I Learned in Seventh Grade

My seventh grader, Three announced “I’m running for President” and I was not surprised. Three-out-of-four, so the quest for power goes with the territory. She’s got the raw political talent; charisma in spades, popularity, she’s a great speaker and can work a crowd. I have since learned that she has just as much, if not more, political acumen than those on the big stage every Fall. No matter the size of the arena, the game is still the same.

Laying the Groundwork

“Out of curiosity, why now? You didn’t want to run last year.” I remember hearing murmurs about an election last year, but no discussion of a political career of her own.

“I didn’t think I would win. A lot of kids didn’t know me, and a really popular kid won, but he moved.”

She had been subtly working her way into position so when the time was right, she was ready. I had noticed that her previously intimate clique had expanded, with new birthday invitations, extracurriculars academic, athletic and artistic alike. I chalked all of this expansion up to broadening horizons, but it may have in fact been politically motivated. This kid knows how to play the long game.

The Issues Are a Non-Issue 

“What platform are you running on?” She replied with the name of the school software platform used for voting.

“No, I mean what issues?”

“The issue of being President.”

I thought this was a maturity and vocabulary language barrier. I tried again to communicate on her level: “What do you stand for?”

“For our speech in front of the class to win.”

Argh! “Okay, what are your reasons for running for president, what do you hope to accomplish, how do you think you can best serve your class?”

“I’m running to get elected, I hope to win, and I can best serve them by doing so.”

Congratulations, kid, you’re a politician. I was the one who was not speaking the correct language here, that of the artfully evasive non-answer.

Polling Matters

A list floated around our kitchen for weeks containing classmates names and their likely vote. Some had happy check marks next to their name, while others had the angrily scratched name of the opposition and an indication to follow up. I imagine all of the texters who flood my inbox every election cycle have a similar system.

At school, she would choose her lunch table and recess game according to the undecided electorate. After all text communications, she would promptly write each back either a thank you (in emoji code) or a plea to change their mind. She was quite persistent with those who chose to engage, and often wore them down. This simple act of voter buy-in might have actually swayed some votes. Our brains are wired to fight against discord in our words and actions, so saying “I will do X” does actually make us more likely to do X when the time comes.

Toeing Ethical Boundaries

There were clear election rules that Three followed to the letter. Ethics, however, have slightly blurrier lines. Outright bribery was obviously a no-no, but the election cycle happened to coincide with a “crafting phase” and she freely handed out little gifts: bookmarks, stickers, friendship bracelets. As early voting began, she offered to help students who may have been confused by the voting process learn to log in and show them where to click. Just making sure there were no disenfranchised voters who couldn’t cast their ballot!

The Three Party Election Strategy

In perhaps the most savvy move yet, Three actually persuaded another student to join the race against her (“it’s so fun! You get out of homeroom and get donuts if you win!”) Her only initial political rival to begin with was a popular boy in her class (and gender politics are big in the tween sector). Friend under normal circumstances, but a foe in the upcoming election. This third boy, who we will call Ralph Nadar, ran in adjacent circles as the initial adversary, but did not have a lot of overlap with her own voting block. The additional candidate would potentially pull enough votes away from her rival to let her walk away with the election even without increasing her own ballot count.

Three won in a landslide victory, and promptly thanked her loyal supporters, who will ostensibly be eligible voters in the upcoming eighth grade election cycle (which starts immediately).

As she settled into office, I was of course curious about the inner workings of the political sanctum. Her response to my inquiries was disappointing, but hardly surprising. And it probably rings true in middle schools and democratic republics alike.

“We have some meetings, tell people we had them, and get to be in the newspaper. But we don’t actually change much, everything’s already set and just keeps going the same as it always has.”

Seems about right. Three for President 2064.